The Blues~ say Bye Bye!!!

Blues, buried in my heart for quite some time already.
A period of time that I don't even notice and figure it out.
On this day, I promise, I'll left the blues to last year.
For I will move on and on...
Bye bye The. Blues.
May Happiness Always be with you.

The Very Last Day of 2011

Food food food!!! ^^ we went Newcastle for new year gathering organised by KC. After the lunch gathering we went to JPC and watch fireworks at civic centre, Newcastle. ^^

I miss home. Miss the moment we spent gathering as family together!!!

December!!

December has always been my favourite month. Not only because of Christmas celebration but also the mean of getting a new chapter of life. A new year, a better one. I always feel refresh during Christmas day. Not only because everyone is celebrating it with laughters and joys but it is a day that always remind me of how lovely and great is God. Christmas always reminds me the amount of blessing I've got from God and everyone around me. How naughty did I behave and God still forgive me. ^_^ Christmas!! A definitely gain weight season! As all my lovely uncle,aunts, kanids will start to plan their programmes and BBQ is always on the list!!

Sadly,this year I won't be able to be at home!! But anyway, I'll be organising my own Christmas with my new family at Sunderland!! *hope so!* planning to try try cook our own turkey or swan! Hope that works as well!! ^^ but one thing for sure... I will have snow for this Christmas!!! HHooOOOrrRRaayyyy!!!! ^^

Something to Motivate Myself...

Touched 2

Second vision came to me as Pastor was calling and praying for Holy Spirit to filled our mind and soul. At first, I didn't felt anything and I thought I won't felt anything tonite. But it came, just before the Pastor asked someone to share their vision.

I saw myself and my hand are being hold by a man, whom I cannot see his face. I was lead into a triangle shape of silver steel and the triangle shape is turning around me, it feels like being lock inside with fears in me. Then, the man, again, he hold my hand and bring me of out it, where I feel relieve after that. But then, he told me, you have to replace and put a blue and white light on it, then we move on.

I couldn't interpret it clearly. But I knew it is something God wants to speak to me.

Touched

It's Good Friday! As usual, we went for church services on this day. But the amazing part of this Good Friday is I can feel that God is trying to speak to me. I admit that, it's been a really long while ever since everyone that prayed for me, keep telling me that God wants to speak to me. I listened to them but somehow the message didn't got into me. Maybe I was afraid. Afraid of all the circumstances I have to face if I silence myself down. Or maybe God knew and waiting for the right time.

I heard a voice and had a vision that. God is telling me to open up myself. There is a vision of me hugged by a man and I lay my head upon his shoulder. A very quick and clear vision, and a very clear voice telling myself to forgive my own. The voice continue saying, "I've come and paid it all for you, my dear. Why can't you just forgive yourself, Rona. and stop." I asked back, "teach me, how to open up my heart." But the voice, " open up your heart, and forgive yourself." keep on repeating, as well as the vision came for the second time.

It just ended up that way, I didn't told anyone about it as I'm not sure who to turn to. But, in that few minutes, I felt really comforted.

I label this as Toughest part of my life as well because the thing that has been keeping and pulling me for all this while is the most tough happening in my life till I could hardly let it go and forgive myself.

Step 1

"Time flies that sometime we din even have the chance to look at it carefully. I've made my life's decision today~ this time there's no more turning back and so on~ either you strike or you fall, Rona. It's all starting from today. "

I named it as step 1 because this is the day I paid for my tuition fee. I am touched, so touched until I can't barely describe the word, how much did my parents done for me.  How could I repay all back? Daddy hair turned to white, mummy looks older than when I first flied to Labuan for my matriculation. It was just 6years ago but things changed so much that I couldn't even get a chance to look at it one by one. I told myself that I should remember this day, this feeling, how I felt for them, recorded it, that I may always remember this wherever I stepped for the rest of my life.  I shouldn't forget this feeling and strive on behalf of them because they deserve it so much more than I should.

 

Chaotic and Hectic April 2011

It's been a chaotic and hectic April this year. Assignments, Works, all came in non-stop-Ly. Stress covered my days but I... I couldn't do anything except leave it to God. I am worry and stress but I'm also good in stay away and hiding it. *I guess*.  The way how things goes in this month of April, I'm concerned, whether can I faced it alone when I'm outside of my comfort zone?? I choose to be outside of my comfort zone, bravely. But then am I really ready for that? I'm going to live with strangers *althou we're same hometown, I named them strangers b'coz I do not knw who they are now* under one roof. I'm going to walk to class alone~ *Have to wake up on my own as well* No more buddies surrounding, I have to find one on my own. Or else, stress, relief, tension, nervous is all under my own. Will i able to handle it with care?

I remember Peggy asked me about am I really sure of what am I doing? Decide it before it's too late. Whether do you really wanna make SHE as your lifetime job? To be precise, I'm in doubt as well, aren't it's such a pity story that we've spent more of our lives in educating ourselves and yet we still feel that it's NOT RIGHT??   I'm not sure whether I can really make it as my lifetime work, but it just feel so right ever since I've decide to take this as my master. I couldn't felt the same way like I went for my degree years ago. *which i never tell anyone before* Even though, some of the class is boring and boring, but I still felt I like the way it is.  That's the reason, I go for it. I take and shallow all the possibilities I might faced and stepped out of my own circles and GO FOR IT.

 Even though, it's full of worries and scariness, but still, I believe there's always a reason behind these feelings. 

Weekend Eve and Weekends Fun!!

Thursday, after morning class.... It's durian time!!!! 9 of us went to tmn. U for some durian hunting.  We ate almost 1 and half dozen of durians and it only cost us rm9 per person!! ^^ I bought 4 pieces for brian and dad after tht. ^^

It's Friday!! Friday has always been the busiest day of the week~ This friday I canceled one of my tuition and went tebrau jusco for a movie!! ^^ and I found myself a new car when I arrive there. ^^

Saturday~ as usual~morning went out early for tuition then afternoon we went bukit indah for lamb chop at thamara!! I think I'll gonna miss this place~ the lamb chop is superb!!

All time favourite!! This is one of my fav. coconut drink from jusco bukit indah. ^^

Happiness . Joy . Excited
That is how I fell after this CNY holiday. I got email from my education consultant claiming that I've been awarded some amount of scholarship from University of Sunderland.

Well, this is what I wish for ever since~~ *I couldn't remember how long it was* but I knew it is part of my 101 dreams which I could stepped out of my own comfort zone, going to some place where there is no one there to protect and depends on.  To strike on my own and see how far can I make it.

There is always hard feeling to let go things and stepped out of our comfort zone.  But somehow, I've make decision, either it end up with good and bad.  It's just part of my dream, my life.  As I was on the way driving back to Johor (from kl), deep down in my heart, I felt I'm gonna miss this place.  All the place where I've been enjoying and tears, I'm sure I'm gonna miss it.

CNY 2011

This year, most of my friends come over to my place and I really enjoyed it.  For the 1st time ever, the house's living room is full of my school mate! Well, I miss secondary school so much!! Even though, I'm not the talkative, active and loud type but sometime seeing them (my frens) being such enjoying talking and teasing and fooling around makes me happy as well. I just like being surrounded by frens.  Thanks for nice cny frens!!

Picture taken at Milo's house. ^^ First time went to her house. Everyone still the same old style for me. ^^ I'm glad we didn't change much. ^^  Wondering will I be around Miri for next year cny?? *still question mark*

It's Me or It's You?

As time flies, everything that goes around turn to be different. Hope, believe, and honesty, and also wealth, it all turned to be different. The person that I used to be known has changed. Things that usually happen doesn't turn up. Whether is it the way I looked at this world changed? Whether am I mature enough to evaluate? or am I still the one that thinking childishly? Human's nature, when surrounding changed dramatically, we could either felt comfortable or uncomfortable. Smile or Tears at the end of the day.

I choose to smile every morning when i woke up. Treat everything as usual as it is, and try to make every single seconds of my day, happy. But still, I hate to be alone. Especially at night. I remembered Britney Spears' "Lucky" (i'm not her fan anyway), and that's the way I felt mostly, at the end of the day. I couldn't help myself. I'm lucky, that most of the time, I am the last one to sleep in the nite. At least, no one will get worry. Sometime, I thought, maybe it's just too much anxiety. Too much and it's time to let go, and make it fast. I wish I knew how to let go some of my pieces.

Here's a quote I goggled and finds it quite match with my situation now. Enjoy~ 
"I believe we are still so innocent. The species are still so innocent that a person who is apt to be murdered believes that the murderer, just before he puts the final wrench on his throat, will have enough compassion to give him one sweet cup of water. "-Maya Angelou

Christmas December!

It's the month of Christmas! This year i manage to celebrate it with my family and relatives. I miss celebrating this season with my lovely cousin!! More good news is... one of my fren is going to celebrate with me too!! ^^ BBQ, pot bless, visiting open houses, karaoke, games, gift exchange and group presentation is all we used to prepared and enjoyed it every night from Christmas eve till new year eve. ^^ My fren can't even imaging it! and yes... he was amaze when he manage to follow us to celebrate Christmas this year.. He look so surprise and there are many new experiences. ^^ I hope he will gonna join us again next year.. I'm really so happy tht he could join us. ^^

The Day You choose to LET GO

It's been months... we never had a nice conversation after I came bck from your convocation. Is distance really matters to you? Or izzit we'll have to see each other everyday to get close? Whenever I flash back the moments when we're still young,it's just so sweet and beautiful. But now, it's getting bitter and even tasteless. Till today.. u've make a decision that I wouldn't even think of it. Perhaps, everything changed after u ended ur student's life. I noticed My advice, my comment, my idea and my sharing have turned to craps and useless words since the last few months. Maybe God answered my prayer this time. Maybe God made known that u're not the one for me this time. From now on~ BYE BYE to my status and WELCOME BACK to my single life. Life is still wonderful and always be wonderful i believe.

Master 1st Sem

It's already the 9th week of semester, but yet, still felt nothing like i'm studying hard. I still felt like i'm still on holiday mood even thought it's been 9 weeks away from holidays. Nevertheless, it's a great and enjoyable experiences in this 9 weeks. I'm still the old style students who like slacking slacking and slacking always... and sometime i do wonder... would i be able to do the same thing if I'm not studying at malaysia. Haha... We get used to the education systems here, get used to lecturers' thinking and we know how to handle, how things works, the cultures, and that why we are immune to our surrounding here. But what if... what if I've decide to pursue my Master outside of Malaysia at the first place?? Even thought I have decided to stayed back but I still felt like wanna go out there and try... *wildness still in me*. Compared to local here, some of technology are limited and we can't really focus on our dreams of invention, cultures of industries are also totally different here and outside. It's very very obvious especially when i need to decide my thesis title, there are lots and lots of limitation have to be consider, but somehow some still achieved it and they are the ppl i really admired.

Wonder, wonder,wonder.... there is a lots and lots of wonder for the pass 9 weeks of preparing my thesis proposal. Even till now, I'm still wondering... wonder can i really make it? will I gain permission from Shell??... hmm... I don't know. Even my own supervisor told me it's hard... but still I wanna try it... at the same time, the other part of me wondering can i finish in 1 year if i failed so then?? hmm...

local uni VS oversea uni

LOCAL vs OVERSEA university== 1yr vs 3yrs
tht's the thing keep repeating in my mind recently...
mum and bro encourages to go internationally...
but then dad says... it's ok if u dun wan to...just study locally la!
Oh God.. guide me..

Back to hometown

Long time didn't update my blog already...
I lost my part-time job... but then it's a good thing for me. coz I'm back HOME..
Hometown is always the most comfortable place to hang around... Remember the time I got the sms saying my job has been canceled, I doesn't feel bad but then HOME is straight into my mind. Haha... I should say thankyou to the tuition centre... ^^

The coolest part is... my parents bought me a new bed!! and waiting for me to choose my own cupboard while I'm back.... haha... I got a new room!!! Oh YES!!

You Really Cares??

Suddenly there's so much thing struck into my mind...
For all the time.... For everyone out there... Does anyone really cares??

When you felt alone in the middle of the night, does anyone care??
When your car broke down in the middle of the road and you need help, does anyone really care??
When you struggling and you need motivation, does anyone care?
When you need a doctor but you doesn't have transports, does anyone care??
When you sacrifice yourself to compromise with others, does the person care??
When you are in hurry to catch a bus and you need help, does anyone care??
When you are trying your best to fulfilled peoples request, does anyone care??
When you just need a person to be your listener, does anyone care??
When you are broke and you needed help, does anyone care??

You know yourself..^^

New Year, New Semester, New Life....

Our lecture starts earlier this semester, because of this, most of us stay back for Christmas. My first time to spent Christmas on my own. Have nothing in mind except waiting for friends to suggest. Feeling lonely for this year Christmas, no bbq gathering at relatives house, no karaoke, no dance and no more performing family choir at my aunt's house. I miss that... ^^ Every year's Christmas celebration, we'll just go around the whole city visit our relatives. The most enjoyable is every night (from Christmas eve till New Year) my close relatives will take turn to organized some sharing in words of God, bbq, and karaoke at respective houses. ^^ Besides that, I miss doing some performing in church during Christmas too. ^^ Dancing and choir-ing to deliver the Msg of Christmas.... all this I've to put it aside this year. Huhuhuhu...

But above all, This is the most important semester for me... ^^ Have to do it well this semester, else.... results will be very poor... Hehe... Hope I can finish my thesis on time too...^^

Besides all this, I realized a New Year is coming soon too. Before I knew start to think about my new list for next year, I was surprise that I've achieve my most of my short-term goals faster that I could imaging. ^^ Thank You God!! ^^

Anyway... Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Everyone!!! ^^

Regrets...

This morning, when my malay coursemate asked my frens why they don't wanna go their open house and my frens answer was becoz of me. Because I didn't go then no one fetch them. I was so disappointed to hear that, they just beside me. My mind starts to wondering, do they ever think of how I'll felt when they said it that way? I did asked them whether they wanna go or not. I put their answer first to decide whether want to go or not but then... last last they throw the blame on me. I understand that they do care about what my coursemate think of them. But then, I couldn't understand that if you know you care about what people think of you then how come you don't know that I also do care about what others think of me if you said it that way?? I felt moody, sad and disappointed but then I just keep myself silent and think about what have I done, is it wrong? Is it I'm too sensitive to feel this way? Maybe they just being selfish??

Thinking about the 'selfish' because of the matter above, suddenly my mind flashed back the few mistakes that I have made... Each of us will always be controlled by our emotions i guess. Few years back, I was lost cause I couldn't bear the pain of fallen out of my last relationship. The pain changed me. I turn to be not believing in any relationship and was trying all my best to protect myself from being in love with someone. Relationship was just all about pain and disappointment. What's the used of fall in love if it's always hurt me back?? For years, I felt this way and I did some mistakes in thinking this way. Anyhow, it's lucky that I didn't go far away. Thank God that He still loves me and shows me the way to turn myself back. I admit I was wrong. I admit I did hurt someone because of this and I'm sorry for being such selfish. Not to say, the pain I suffer, the fear in me is totally gone now. The scars is still there, inside me. I learned how to live with it, how to be a better person from someone I meet during my practical and I meet another person that made me strong and brave enough to stepped out of it this year. It's God's mercy that rain upon me. He's always there protecting me from any harm. He never leave me even I'm always stubborn enough in going against Him. Maybe some people will felt bad about me but so do I. I admit because I know I'm wrong and I'm not proud of it. I admit it because I don't wanna forget the mistakes that I did, I wanna remember it and I'm willing to change from it. That's all I could say.

Night, when the sun is about to set, I told myself, "forgive and forget before sunset, then life would be much wonderful." and loving each other is all we need to learn....